THE END IS NEIGH! This keeps playing in my head like a doomsday preacher on a busy street corner. Everything I do is marked with a tinge of sadness. I hate the process of moving and now that my house looks like a tornado whipped through it, it has become all too real that this life is over. I believe that, like cats, we too have nine lives. As life number four draws to a close for me, it is much harder to move on than I originally anticipated. Its not because I lived here, but because I lived here. I wasn't on vacation, or temporary duty, but I actually built a life here. I have a routine, I have my favorite little pubs, my hairdresser, my markets and restaurants and so on. I fell in love here, had my heart broken and have broken hearts here. There have been really great days here, the type of days that live in your memory and pop up just when you need them. There have been days when I didn't want to spend another second here away from those who love me, only to find out that I have "people" here too.
As I start taking apart the life I've built here, people keep asking me if I am excited to go home. I am in some respects, but mostly right now I'm just sad. Sad that this life is ending, sad that I didn't get to do more, sad for the things and the people I will leave behind. But I have to balance this sadness when I talk to my friends at home because they are so excited for me to return. I'm not entirely sure that I could ever explain to them why I don't want to leave here in a way they could completely understand. I'm sure they have changed since I left. I know for a fact that I have changed. I do not feel like the same person who arrived here three years ago, and in may ways I don't even know her anymore. When I look back, it is as if I am looking at a stranger. She was excited for the adventure and potential of the exotic. Where as I am not looking forward to... anything. There is nothing new, or exotic, or exciting about going back. I fear that one day I will wake up and be unable to remember if this actually happened or if it was all just a dream.
